I am back in Massachusetts ... to live, I hope, for quite a while. Would be nice to not move around anytime soon and to put down some "roots."

Been back a little over two weeks.

Managed to join and start up at a gym and to not gain any weight back, which is mighty good.

Been doing well socially, though mostly with new people through meetup.com, not as much with seeing old friends. However, going out to lunch with an old friend today, so that's cool.

Even worked a temp job all of last week!

Best so far is that I may have started a relationship. Haven't felt this way in a LOOONG time, so it's very nice. Definitely trying to keep "even keeled" about it, but I am hopeful, too.

And there you are.

Will be leaving to move back east in one week. Amazing. How much have I changed since I first started posting this journal? A lot, I think. Glad to have it as a record of sorts, even though I don't use it anymore. It was a contentious place at times.

They say that one's atoms in one's body are completely replaced every seven years. So I am a completely new person from when my life crumbled in 2005. And that's a good thing, I think. I believe I'm ready to take another swing at life and my personal brass ring. Got to make it.

Yep ... today. Snowing. Tired. Really wanting to get to the next chapter, but doubting I can hold out to make it there.

Weight stuck in the 230s. Some progress - very little, but some - creatively.

Very lonely and aching for touch and companionship. Feeling abandoned.

Dreams and thoughts of how to end it ... just wanting sometimes to dash my brains out on a stone wall or something. Visions of swerving my car off the road.

Dying to get out and get to someplace else, but will it be any better?

Dying and self-destruction around me ... and denial.

Merry fucking Christmas and a douchey new year.

Well, I'm not going to say I'll never post again, but it seems kind of pointless at this point. Obviously, I don't have much interest or energy for it, and who the hell is reading or commenting anymore?

Not sure what the future holds. Sometimes I feel somewhat optimistic ... I mean, I've lost a bunch of weight, feel better physically, mostly gotten over the ex-wife/bitch, and managed to figure out a little bit more who I am without her/not part of a couple.

On the other hand, I can't seem to find happiness. Creatively stalled, sexually and romantically starved, and often unable to get joy out of anything ... at least no lasting joy. And that does not begin to address the career shit. I am not happy at any job for long, it seems, and I kind of loathe this whole capitalist system. Why is buying and owning supposed to be the ultimate happiness goal? Why is what you do for a living and what you have the primary considerations regarding one's worth? Worth - what kind of a shit term is that for evaluating a human being, anyway?

Blah blah ... god, I even hate to read what I write, listen to my own voice, or look at my ugliness in the mirror. I am not even sure I believe in any kind of happiness anymore ... it may all be a prelude to figuring out how to get killing myself over with.

Yep, this is what disillusionment, depression, and loneliness will do for ya!

Anyhow ... that's a wrap.

Well, barely noticed it, but today marks 10 months that I've been in Colorado. Not only am I REALLY ready to go elsewhere, I found out indirectly that my parents are kind of getting impatient for me to move out, too. Oh joy.

Quick stuff:

Night shift is kicking my ass, but I will try to keep at it for a while at least. Two nights a week, it's me, by myself for most of the night, with no breaks or "lunch" (I get to eat at my desk and get paid 45 mins of overtime).

Okay much of the time, but extremely lonely still. Really yearn to feel a smooth, naked body next to mine.

I did get asked out to coffee by a check out girl at Petsmart. Nor really my type, but I may at least "do coffee."

That's mostly it for now! Had a nice visit from my brother, but that's past. Guess the next big thing is Thanksgiving. Really hope to be making a move with my plans to get back to the northeast soon!

I did finally break the 230-pound barrier! I went down to 228 at one point. Of course I've gone up again and down again, but it's progress. As my goal is 215-220, that's getting really close!

The job's been beating me up ... over the past couple of weeks, it's gone more from "training mode" to "real mode." Friday morning, we came in, and it was like, "Surprise, you're taking real calls for most of the day!" I only got one call, and it went well, but my nerves were fried. I think I'm learning a lesson that call center work really isn't my thing. Going to try to stick this one out until I find a job in the Northeast, or until I make enough money to move there and survive for a few months without one.

Meantime, I'm moving to night shift, starting tonight. Hours will be 9 pm to 5:45 am, Sundays through Thursdays. Means I get Friday off (once I get home @ 6am!), Saturday, and most of Sunday (until 9 pm). I think it'll be a decent shift, but it'll take some getting used to. It'll be interesting to see how this all shakes out over the next week or so: a bunch of people told me Friday that they wouldn't be coming back for more. Oy.

Still not much going on with my social life (other than work) or my creative pursuits. My goal is still to move back to the Northeast, though I'm also mulling over moving abroad to teach English or go back to school (for example, there's a one-year Masters program in the graphic novel at the University of Dundee in Scotland I've heard about). Not sure I can pull it off, but I'm not in love with this country of late (reaffirmation of "In God We Trust" as our official motto being the latest blow), so ...

Guess that's about it. Oh, I will say my thoughts of killing myself have gone way down over the past couple weeks (maybe I've been too busy to think of it, I don't know), and my feelings towards my ex have matured into a healthy disgust towards her. I even got to feel kind of attractive and sexy for a night or so there! Didn't last, of course, but it was nice. Being heavily flirted with once in a while is at least a decent feeling. Of course I haven't had sexual contact with another person in about 3 years, so the good feelings go only so far. Oy.

Not too much new to say ... been busy working/training at IBM.

Anyhow, yesterday marked nine months since I arrived in Colorado.

Still not below 230 pounds, though I've gone as low as, I think, 230 or 230.5 a couple times. I seem to at least remain below 235, so that's cool. Still, wish it was going faster. Definitely still working out hard, though it's been tougher at times to really throw myself into it after working a full day.

I think that's all I'm going to type for now ... not feeling too overly social lately, and no one writes anyway. Anyhow, another month. Sure hope to get through the next few and into the new year, and then to be able to move. FML!

Pretty down again ... I have a job, but I'm feeling like it's not the job for me. Answering phones, dealing with angry brokers. Helping rich Wall Street fat cats make even more money. Having to dress up every day, even if it's only business casual. I have been feeling like I'd almost rather be a janitor. Yes, I've actually been pining for a chance to work as a janitor! Sad, I know.

Definitely feeling alone, not where I want to be. Would like to be in Salem for Halloween. Sometimes I want to be out of America. I often feel like this country is lost and is so backwards socially and politically that it's going to destroy itself and take the world with it. Not by some asinine nuclear war, but by polluting the world, investing in the wrong things, and dumbing everyone's minds down. Already well on the way.

A big part of me wants to go to NYC to join the Wall Street protests, but I also know that, in the end, they won't do any good. As usual, the Establishment will ignore and belittle things until people don't take it seriously, and the protesters will get tired and go home, and it'll be back to business as usual. Endorsement by politicians won't help, especially since they won't actually carry out any real reforms. I'd still rather have Obama as president than any of the Republicans, but I'm not too pleased with him, either. He's continued the wars and killings and seems to not be able to push anything through ... I knew he was inexperienced when I voted for him (and caucused for him in WA), but I thought his charisma would continue to inspire much-needed hope in people and help us make hard choices and get things done. But it's turned out not to be that way, and he and the Dems keep giving in to the TeaPublicans on everything. So tired of fighting meaningless fights.

Also feeling like I have no close connections with people ... like there's no one I can really call up for a hug or to unburden myself ... I've somehow pushed everyone past their points of tolerance with me. So I hold back, and the poison backs up in my system, probably slowly killing me from inside. My parents are going out of town this weekend, and I've been dreaming of how I could rent a hotel room, get drunk, and do myself in.

Nothing good is coming out of me and all the bad shit is coming in or is already inside me, circling around as I circle the drain. So tired of it. Why am I fighting to have a life, when nothing seems to make me happy anymore? 'Cept maybe my cat. Sometimes I feel like he's the only reason I stick around ... 'cause I wouldn't want someone to put him to sleep because I couldn't hack living.

Ah well ... I know this'll stink up the Internet ether, just like everything else I put out there, and will attract only scorn. Maybe I'll be lucky and get some anonymous poster to say "suck my balls" to me again? I am such a lucky fellow! Anyhow, I don't wish to pull anyone else down ... I just wish I had some arms to lift me up and a chest, stomach, or shoulder to lay my head upon.

... you know? Fuck it. I'm just going to do whatever I can until I can't anymore, and then bye bye. Customers suck. People suck. Why can't people be decent?

Blah blah blah.

You win.