Hi. Dropping by again. Got a lot on my mind again, which is not unusual, but I've had some thoughts which are kind of new, so maybe it's time to get them down:

1. Beginning to feel like the whole needing-to-find-a-mate thing is a lost cause. I've been told by friends and therapists before that I need to find happiness within, or I'll never really be happy. I got that, but I think one trouble before is that I never really wanted it. Oh, of course I wanted to be happy, and I wanted "power" over it -- for it not to be dependent on someone else being there for me -- but I was never really willing to give up on the dream of having that perfect mate there for me (and me there for her). I might be getting there. I'll tell you one thing: this whole online dating thing sucks ass ... I've met some fine people, but the chemistry is rarely even remotely there. And I'm just maybe starting to feel like I really want to be happy and okay with just myself. Well, and my cat. I don't know where this will lead, but I know I want to be fine with being by myself and not dependent on others for my state of mind.

2. I am tired of being on the merry-go-round with the job situation. I want to find some kind of job, glamorous or not, that I can stay at for an extended period of time. I don't care all that much what it is ... if I can afford a basic existence from it and not completely hate myself for doing it, those are some of the things I want. I just know this having to search for new work every few months or years is keeping me from getting where I want to go in life. I'd like to find something steady and maybe work on creative stuff and/or freelance stuff (writing, art, web) stuff on the side.

3. Those things said, I am also mulling over the idea of relocating again. Not that I dislike it here, but, if I find that job sitch and living sitch someplace else, I don't see why I couldn't move there to get it. There are some places I don't really want to move to ... like the southeast or a lot of the southwest ... and a few other places, but I'm not too limited. Which also has me musing over the idea of moving back to the Northeast. I have ties there that could help me. I generally do like the place. I have family there (my dad). I have at least as many friends -- if not more -- there as I do here. And ...

4. ... there's the reason I moved in the first place: to get away from the Robin sitch and start over someplace else. I did both. And some stuff has happened recently that might MIGHT be getting me to be finally over the Robin thing a bit. A lot of it has to do with some Ravenwood stuff ... and her being on Facebook now, etc. Long story, not worth rehashing at this point. But I've not talked with her in nearly 4 years now, I don't see her putting forth any effort to heal the wounds she caused ... it's obvious that she doesn't strongly miss having me as part of her life and has moved on ... so as far as I'm concerned, the Robin I knew doesn't exist anymore. The person on Facebook is a stranger to me. Unless she makes some effort to repair what she wrecked (and no, I'm not remotely suggesting anything about us getting back together, but there was a time when I thought we might still at least talk and/or be friends with each other), it's not going to change, so ... why let that control my life so much? We don't run in the same circles for the most part, and ... I dunno ... I'm not saying in any way the pain is over, but I might be getting to a place where it's a smaller part of things. If that makes any sense. I don't want her back. I'd like some justice, but the more time passes, the less an apology would even mean at this point. So what's to be gained? Yeah, yeah ... I'm sure all this makes sense to someone on the outside, but I'm just getting there now, so ... bear with it.

Okay, I've jabbered on enough for now. We'll see where it goes. I guess.

This will probably be my last post for a while. I've really been feeling abandoned by most of my old friends lately, and am realizing I guess they must want me to move on. Maybe it's the right thing to do. I don't know.

So there doesn't seem much point to keeping up this journal. Yeah, I've done it partly for me, but then why post it on a public site? Why not just go back to keeping a private journal on my machine? Perhaps I will.

I dunno ... I feel like I'm on the verge of something ... total breakdown? Running away and somehow disappearing? Offing myself finally? When does wanting the pain and fog to stop overwhelm the fear of doing physical harm to myself? It's been close a few times.

I'm not sure if I can point to any one thing that's bugging me. Some of it is the accumulation of long term pains. Being alone. Not getting the closure or "justice" I feel I need out of my ex-wife sitch. And even just a lack of will or energy to climb out. I don't know if you can know what it's like if you've never experienced this, but sometimes I get up from my bed, only to go back and lie down again minutes later. Sometimes I take two or three naps per day. Why? Lack of energy AND the need to close my mind off from my reality. At least the dreams I have sometimes make things seem okay for a while.

One thing that's definitely gotten to me lately is what I feel must be the finale to the Ravenwood situation. I really feel let down and betrayed by that group. The latest cut was that I just found out Robin is getting her 2nd degree from them next month. Why do I care? I guess part of it is that they're continuing to embrace openly this person who did such harm to my life. She hurt me unjustly, and no one there said anything to her about it, at least not to my knowledge. Some have said to me that they didn't want to take sides ... well, you know, by not defending me and embracing her fully after what she did to me, you kinda did take sides -- hers. Like I said, I bet if the roles were reversed, I'd have been slammed for mistreating her. I always wondered if she was more beloved by that group, and I guess now that the "scales" have fallen from my eyes, I can see my answer. It isn't just this ... there were other things ... where were people when I asked for energy sent my way? I can't begin to count the number of rituals I participated in where we sent healing energy out for this person or that, but I asked for the same for myself once, and got nothing. Note that I was asking for healing energy, NOT for some divine miracle to save my relationship or to punish Robin ... I simply wanted help with healing. But I got ignored, as I so often am.

It makes me wonder ... I'd love to see what would happen if I died. Would some people say they wished I had reached out more? 'Cause that'd be tragically funny, since I did just that. Or would no one even notice or care? I just bet a lot of people would think, "well, it was inevitable, and there was nothing I could do." Bull-fucking-shit. I'm not claiming I didn't have problems before all of this started, but a lot of people have done their level best (unintentionally, but does that make it okay?) to make sure those problems were amplified and that I had to deal with them in a nice, black void by myself.

Well, I hope those folks are happy. I believe there's a lot I have offered to people, and much more I could have given the world. No, I'm no Jesus or Buddha, but I am a creative, loyal person, who loves to help and hold others when he can. I was there for a LOT of shitty times people went through, and I have continued to try to be when I can.

I'm in no way claiming people could have "fixed" me, and I don't expect that, but there were surely some relatively small things I asked of people over the past years to do that they couldn't even respond to. At all.

Of course it started with her. Again I state it plainly: I don't begrudge Robin her right to be unhappy in our relationship and to decide to leave. That happens. But adults talk to each other about their problems. People who've been together and through a lot over the years OWE it to each other to be fair, open, and honest with each other. She was none of those things with me. She lied, she kept things hidden, she snuck around, and she split with me in the way that hurt me the most it possibly could have. Leaving? Fine. Betrayal? Why? What did I do to deserve that? And why does it not bother anyone else? Why is that just fine with everyone? I would never stand for that with any of you ... if I knew someone had shit on you like that, do you think I'd sit back and just say, "oh, well, best to not get involved?" Fuck no. If I'm allowed to help, I try to do my best. You all were once that way, too. I've seen you. I've seen you be there for others when they needed it. Why I'm an exception, I don't know. Did you ever like me? Am I too ugly or nasty to deal with? Do I plain smell or something? I can assure you, I do shower.

So I don't know what's going to happen next, but I am not very hopeful. I want to fix my life, and I've tried a lot, but I am finding it harder to keep going. Some nights, the negative feelings are so awful, I want to bang my head against something hard to try to make it stop. And you're all okay with that, eh? You've got no qualms just ignoring that, or telling me "go on meds" or "get outside and exercise?" Well, I hate to break it to ya, but the easy solutions have NOT worked. I've done both those things. I've tried dating. I've tried joining groups to meet people. I've had jobs. I have gone back to school. I've been in therapy. Etc. And here we are, four years later, and I'm the same fucked up piece of shit as always, only with less will and energy to continue. Thanks for helping. Thanks for throwing me a bone. Thanks for letting me disintegrate in my own juices. I do hope ... I guess I don't know what I hope for for you. Understanding? Comprehension? Some form of realization that it was wrong, and a desire to improve how you deal with the non-beautiful-looking but good-hearted people who try their best in the future. I hate to think of anyone else feeling as despised and ignored as I am. But I'm sure there are millions of people like that or even worse.

and that makes it hurt all the more.

Dreamed about the bitch again last night. I think I need a lobotomy. I am so very tired. Tired in all ways. Tired of feeling like this. Tired of life like this. Needs to get better or be over. I have little energy or hope. That is all.

Guess I have my answer.

I am truly alone.

Yeah, somewhat depressed again. Not majorly, I don't think, but definitely feeling like I want some kind of change soon. Reasons?

1. The job thing. Never let anyone tell you having no job is fun. Sure, I guess if I didn't have to worry about money, it might be. I think the fact that it's been 1.5 weeks since school ended, and the cycle of bill-paying is upon us again is hitting me. I've been sending some resumes out, of course, but you know how that goes ... off into the void, with very few answers, if any. Ugh. So, of course, it also has me questioning if I'm ever going to have any long-term job security in life. Am I going to find a job I'm happy with and that I feel somewhat safe in? Who the eff knows?

2. Loneliness. Too much time on my hands makes this more apparent. No school to go to, and no job, so my day is pretty much split between time on the computer, time in front of the TV, time doing chores and errands, and sleep. I try to add things to the mix, but it still seems so much of my time gets spent in solitude. Don't get me wrong -- some solitude is fun/welcome. But this is too much.

3. Taking the above into account, the feeling that things aren't going to change for the better. It gets harder as I get older to believe in "the light at the end of the tunnel," etc. Happiness is just around the corner? Sorry, I'm skeptical now. I want to have hope, but it's hard to muster it, and I don't know what to do about that. Therapy and medication did some to help, but clearly those only go so far. It's hard to keep picking myself up when I go so long without a hug or encouraging word (and somehow e-mail doesn't do it as much). I DO try to find the hope within and all that, but I dunno ... I'm not sure I'm made to be this much of a loner.

4. The ex rears her head. Well, she didn't contact me or anything, but she's apparently on Facebook now, and she's been showing up in the "suggestions" box where the application tries to suggest folks you may know and want to friend. Clearly she's been friended by some people I used to know (and she used to know). That's fine, but it's difficult to see her name and picture popping up almost daily. Makes it harder to forget. Also weird is that the pic in her profile is dated from February 2005, which was like a month before she left me. Can't help looking at the pic (which looks kinda bad, actually) and wondering if she was already plotting my "doom." Kind of seems like it. It just makes me all kinds of messed up inside.

5. Dating/romance. Beginning to wonder if I'm ever going to find someone again. Went on another date this past Saturday, and it was ... another date! They don't tend to go badly, but I just leave feeling like, eh? Hard to explain. I don't expect love at first sight or anything, but I'd like to at least leave with a little feeling of excitement. I left feeling tipsy and that was about it. I liked her okay, but that was it. So far, none of the folks I've dated since Adrienne and I broke up have made me feel as good as she did, and she and I were iffy at best, so ... what hope is there? I kind of wish I could just give up on that and resign myself to a life of monkish solitude, but it doesn't seem to work that way.

6. Fatness. I gained back weight since I left my last job. Like 10-12 pounds. Sooper.

7. Non-loveability. Hm, not sure that's a word. I dunno ... just the feeling like, if I were drowning, no one would throw me a life preserver. Like people feel they need to keep me at arm's length (at least). Friend, even family. My mom seems afraid to talk to me, 'cause she doesn't want to get into the "does Nat need money?" discussion. Others seem unable or unwilling to smash any barriers that are in the way and reach out. It seems to me so simple what I want/need, but I don't seem able to communicate it to others in a way they understand or that doesn't drive them off. Of course my mind keeps concocting dramatic scenarios ... maybe if I do this or that, they'll reach out to me, out of their "safety zones" or whatever. But I don't want that. I hate manipulation, and I don't want care to come only when I resort to something like that. So I just rot away alone. Like my teeth and my soul.

Ehm ... enough. I'm sure one or two people will even read this, and will very likely say little. That's how it's been for so many years. I don't really know why I still write stuff here. I guess some stupidly stubborn flicker of hope must yet exist within me. I don't know whether I even want it to.

Well, back to the BS of life. Yadda yadda and all that.

This looks like one to watch out for (even though we have to wait until January):

I started a new blog today to review minicomics and other pop culture stuff I like. Nothing there yet but a Welcome message, but I hope to be posting once or twice per week with reviews. The idea is to keep my writing going AND to promote work I like that I think needs more notice.

Here's the address:
The Mini Skinni

Hope to have things really running soon ... going to start with a bunch of minis I bought over the years, mostly at Stumptown, and go from there. The hope is that people will eventually send me their minis to review.

Hola!

Yikes ... two in one day. Farrah wasn't so surprising, but Michael Jackson???

Wasn't really a big fan of either (Sabrina was actually my favorite "Angel"), but I do have to say they were both icons who affected my youth (even if I just found MJ annoying at times).

So let's hope there's no pattern, and that a 90s icon isn't due next.

As some of you may know, I finished up with school (a two-year program -- done!) this past week. The final big event was the two-day portfolio show, the last day of which was on Thursday, June 18th, AKA my birthday.

It was tiring, but a great experience. I don't know if it'll lead to any jobs or not, but it was great to display my stuff with my friends/classmates.

They didn't forget my birthday, either ... I was talking to someone the second night, and I heard behind me someone say, "Okay, gather 'round ... " I turned to look, and there was the lot of them, coming towards me with a cake. The cake even had my monster logo stenciled in sugar on the top! It was something ... one of the best surprises I've ever had. Anyhow, here are some pics. I only got a few, 'cause I was so busy, but if people send me more, I'll post 'em.

Emily at her booth Um ... my friend Emily at her booth at the Seattle Creative Academy Portfolio show ... she was the "last girl standing" in our class.

Jamie's booth My friend Jamie's booth ... he's a big screen printer, obviously. Didn't manage to get him in the shot, though.

My booth, long shot This was my booth ... some items on the walls and a computer with my website on it. Funny thing ... it was largely the kiddies who liked playing with my site!

My banner w/my logo, etc. That's my logo ... plus it lists the skills I have now.

Bottom detail of one of my posters Yeah ... the poster of me as a mad scientist. I'm pretty sure I've posted it here before, but, if not, I will put it here. Anyhow, we printed up and mounted all our stuff on foam core.

Lookit ... my books and my postcards and my business cards!!! Zoobaadoo!

John Storm My friend Storm at his booth ... poor guy: he was on some serious back pain medication that day. Also, my photo skills sucked that day.

Nick at his booth My friend Nick at his booth ... he did a lot of t-shirts, too, but they're black, so they kind of blend into the background here.

Compositing poster One of the posters I did for the show.

Another of my posters This is one of the posters I did, showing how I combined 5 images into one.

The New Monster-in-a-Suit A fun little Photoshop project for school ... hoping to make postcards to hand out at the portfolio show with it. What do you think?

Leave me a comment and I will give you a letter. Then, write 10 things that you love starting with that letter. Post the list in your journal. Give out letters to your commenters in return.

octoberland gave me the letter D.

1. Day trips ... love doing the one-day-let's-go-somewheres thing. I love doing longer trips, too, but there's something charming and satisfying in a different way about day trips.

2. Doctor Who, at least the series as it's been since its revival in 2005. Fun and moving much of the time.

3. Dips ... I don't love all kinds, but one thing I definitely love about parties is finding the chips and diving into that dip!

4. Dorks 'n' Dweebs ... what can I say? They're mostly my crowd.

5. "Dexter" ... great show. Can't wait for Season 3 to be available from Netflix.

6. "Disco Inferno" ... I can't not have fun dancing around when that song comes on.

7. Depth ... almost anything is more interesting if you can look below the surface.

8. Derrieres ... I'm usually kind of an "ass man" ... I love spankin' 'em!

9. Deborah Duchene (she played Jeanette on "Forever Knight") ... I have no idea what she's up to today, but ... mmm!

10. Darkness ... what can I say? I like it better once the sun's gone down.

BONUS!
11. Devotion ... something awesome about folks who stick with things (or people) through thick and thin.

It exists! Me and my self-published first novel. Please ignore the tired, old-looking dude behind the book in the picture. It's his final week of school next week! Also, if the pic looks funny, I flipped it so the book title would be right reading.

Just got it via Fed Ex today! This is something I've waiting half my life for! So lift a drink and say a little "boo-yah" for me, should you feel so moved.

Still a long way to go, but you can check it out here.

After the front page loads, hover over "Portfolio" for an effect. Then click on it to get to the second page. Once the caption loads, you can click on "Web Design" or "Photographic Manipulation" to bring up more menus. From there, you can check out a few pages with my work on them.

If you feel so inclined, do please let me know what you think. Thanks.

EDIT: God fucking damn it! Anyone know how to make a link so it actually opens THAT page, instead of trying to open "http://knowmad.livejournal.com/monsterinasuit.com?" That ain't my page's address! But that's what shows up in the browser (along with "Page not found"). Fuck, I hate feeling stupid!

EDIT2: Never mind ... I left out the "http://" in my original link. It works now. Sheesh. Fuggin' HTML!

Not sure anyone reads here anymore, but, as reference in my last post, I've sent my novel off to be published (self published, etc., but that's plenty cool). Did a cover and back cover for it on Thursday and Friday, and I figured I'd post pics. Also, the pic that's my website front and user image, below:










If you click on them, you should get a larger version to look at.

Well, a few hours left of it, fer sure, but that's it.

It was a busy, crazy month, but not too terrible overall. I managed to survive in my jobless state by being frugal and being ... clever, I guess? Tax return money helped too. I will have enough for my June bills (i.e. by that I mean all the start-of-month stuff, like rent, car insurance, credit card, etc.). I think I will have some money coming to help for the rest of the month and maybe July. It's good, sometimes, to have a birthday AND a graduation in June! That's all I can say. That, and I had to close out an old IRA my grandparents started for me. Not too proud about that one.

School stuff is wrapping up ... it's a mad dash, of course. Trying not to freak or let myself be freaked by stuff, but also working to just "get 'er done." One thing that came out of all this is that it looks like I will probably self publish my novel. This'd be the one I finished back in 1999, then revised a bunch of times. I still don't feel it's perfect, but ... well, I needed a book project, and am still hoping to get a comic done, but I realized I might not make that goal in time. Two friends in my class are taking established books (by authors like Lovecraft), re-laying them out, and doing new artwork for the covers, and then shipping them off to be bound. I figured, "Hm, why not do something like that, but with the book I wrote? So that's a-what I'm-a gonna do! I had an idea for a cover all those years ago, but no idea how to do it. Well, now that I've got the skillz ...

Had a short "relationship" this month. It never really got to that stage, but I was dating someone for a while ... we went out about 8 times total, I think, but one was a road trip to Portland, and another was my cartoonists' group meeting. But for various reasons, it just never felt (to me) like more than a friendship, and she picked up on that, eventually declaring she felt that's all it would be, too. We talked of staying friends ... we'll see. I haven't heard from her in a bit.

Y'know what, though? A lot of the time, I'm okay with that. Being alone and such. Maybe I'm meant to be a modern monk? I dunno. For right now, I've just got to focus on finishing school and getting a job.

The other thing about this month: I started taking walks for exercise (and to help my blood pressure). I don't notice any huge improvement physically yet, but it does feel good. Hope to keep that up.

Okay, that has been my May. Now onto June (well, in the morning, that is).

Oh, one other note that was kind of cool: I fired up my old PC today and pulled a bunch of files off of it. Amazingly, I have diaries on the computer that go back to 1998! That's over 10 years of "goodness" about me and my exciting life. It is, er, interesting to see how things change over time. That's all I have to say about that for right now.

Oh yeah ... if you feel like it, check out my website: www.monsterinasuit.com There's not tons there yet, but there should be a lot of stuff soon (since it needs to be up and running by the portfolio show, which, BTW, is June 17th and 18th).

EDIT: If that link doesn't work, please try typing it into your browser. Not sure why, but I couldn't get to it from LJ, but could by typing it it. Once done, you can always bookmark it to check back later, that is, if you want to see more of my portfolio, as it goes live.

I want to get this one down so I don't forget it. I don't remember the whole dream, but the main thing was:

My friends Ed and Maggie had a camper that had a wing mounted on top of it. They had some kind of cabin deep in the woods ... in a small village kind of place ... only the cabin was more like a large house, but all wood colored 'n' stuff. Anyhow, they wanted us (me and my female companion ... I don't think it was Robin, but it might have been, but I'm not sure who it was ... maybe someone I haven't met yet) to fly with them to the cabin at night. So they hooked up some sort of smaller vehicle to the back of their camper (via a tow line of some sort), and then took off quickly. It worked, and soon we were flying just below the treeline. Funny thing is, it was nighttime, and they didn't use their headlights, so we were flying in near darkness. But, though it was kind of frightening, it was also exhilarating! I know that, at one point, we'd landed, and were surrounded by police, who were searching the area (a clearing/field) for fugitives, and we got out of it somehow by playing things cool, but that part of the dream is sketchy.

Anyhow, it was cool, and I can still remember the feeling of flying, which is nice.

Well, that's all. Back to working on stuff for school (well, drinking my coffee and futzing around first, then working).

... as I get closer to the end of school and whatever's next. What the fuck am I going to do?

Watched Art School Confidential again tonight. Man, that movie is great in such a subtle way ... summing up so much of what is true about being an artist in this day and age, at least as I see it. The writer expressed a lot of what I've felt.

Why doesn't LiveJournal recognize "whatever's" as a word? It's a contraction of whatever and is ... the fuck? For that matter, why doesn't LiveJournal recognize it's own name as a real word?

Damn, my final day at school ... the final night of our portfolio show ... also happens to be my birthday. Wish there was some way it could be made special, but I expect it will be another lonely, disappointing night, with a yawning chasm opening up below it. Hell, even my brother is going to be out of town, so I'll have no one to spend it with ... again. Such seems to be my lot.

How long ... ?

It was an okay weekend, though filled with stress about school stuff and job worries.

Went on another date ... this time, a new person. It was pretty lackluster. I mean, she was nice enough, but I was reminded again of how ass-backwards the whole personal-ad dating dance is ... you find out about the person in abstract, and THEN test the chemistry/attraction. It's really such a crap shoot.

Worked on a Flash movie for our school's portfolio website (project's due Friday, and the website, which is meant to advertise student work ahead of our year-end portfolio show) tonight. Got a lot done, which is a nice change. I didn't watch any TV tonight ... why does that feel so weird? Seems very bizarre to me that a night without TV just feels wrong. I don't like that that's true, but it appears to be the case right now.

In a similar vein, I lost Internet service for most of the day Saturday. Man, you don't realize how much you use it 'til you're without it. Which kind of sucks.

Had a dream about my long-ago-AWOL friend, Carla. I sure wish she'd reappear in my life, but I think that's not much more likely than Robin making a reappearance. Speaking of, her (Robin's) stepmom e-mailed me on Facebook. Nothing big: she just wanted to tell me about some mail of mine that's still going to their house, and could I please fix it. But it unnerves me to get mail from her of any kind. My mind goes through all sorts of responses ... tell her off? Be nice? Ignore her? Pretty much settled on that last one (though I'll try to take care of the mail issue).

Bleh ... I need a hug and some lovin'! Well, we'll see if things go better with Lin, the girl I've been on, oh, five dates with. We're supposed to get together again next weekend -- she may even try to attend my cartooning meeting with me, which is cool.

SIGH.

Nothing major going on ... it was a rough weekend in some ways. Mainly, I had really bad headaches and eye issues all weekend (including Friday). Headaches are not really new for me, but these were pretty bad, and they came and went. My eyes did a lot of watering. Took Ibuprofen, but it would only help sometimes, and only for a bit.

Finally, today, my stepfather suggested trying a nasal spray. I had thought of the idea that it might be related to sinus stuff, seeing as it IS allergy season (I've never had problems with allergies, but I know tons of people who've said the same thing, and that they started to have problems when they moved out here, with the northwest being awfully "lush" and all), but my nose wasn't stuffed up, so pretty much, I figured that couldn't be it. But my stepfather argued that sinuses can be blocked, but you can still breathe fine, so I figured, what the hell? I've tried plenty of other stuff. So I did get some spray, and it looks like it may have helped. This evening has been mostly pain free. Just hope it stays that way, as I've a lot of catching up to do.

The health stuff cost me time to get things done this weekend, and also a date with Lin (we were supposed to do a walk around Alki beach today and dinner at her favorite Indian place), but we had a nice phone conversation. We're going to try to make up for things by hanging out for dinner and a movie Friday night (probably go see "Wolverine") and then the walk and dinner Sunday. We'll see.

Got to watch the Red Sox kill the Yankees on TV this weekend -- first Sox game I've seen on TV since I moved out here (I don't have cable, and did not get Fox even until I got my new HD converter box -- this game was on Fox). The Sox beating the Yanks always makes for a good time.

Other than that, mainly concerned about the future again. I tried doing some job hunting online, but it seems like, for animation jobs, I don't have the experience most places want (but I want to learn damn it!). I did see one kind of interesting job -- as a reporter in some small town in Alaska. Damn that'd be something!

Okay, I'll quit boring y'all now. Just figured I'd update.

Well, another one's gone ... another friend. Someone I knew from my time in L.A. (1992-1994). I guess I pissed her off, though I think she thought the worst of me for something I didn't intend as anything bad. But somehow I fuck everything up -- CLEARLY. I mean, look at my track record.

I go back and forth from thinking people unfairly abandon me to believing I cause them to leave and am not worth sticking around for.

I can tell you, I'm finding it hard to keep getting back up again ... spending way too much time sleeping these days. Easier than facing things. I don't know if ... or how many times ... I can get back on that horse, so to speak. How many times does one need to burn one's hand on the hot stove before he decides never to go near it again?

I should be happy ... school's nearing its end, and I can try to make a career move. I met someone on a sort-of date, and it went well enough that we're going to the Stumptown Comics Fest down in Portland this coming weekend (her idea). But I can't help feeling it's all futile.

I'm not even sure I can love again. Really ... sounds cliched, but I just can't picture pouring myself out for someone again.

I'm tired, people. Tired of hanging on, tired of trying again, tired of making the best of it, tired of struggling, tired of hope or trying to hope, tired of my own words, tired of alienating people I love, tired tired tired. Blah blah. I know this is just more irritation for most of you (both of you?). But I have to vent somewhere, so it's here, whether anyone ever cares or not.

If mother nature or "God" needs someone to die tonight, please, take me in my sleep. I am so ready.